I look back on this journey and see what I’ve been through in six weeks. February 4th I embarked to Columbia University to take KCCC (Korea Campus Crusade for Christ)’s BDT (Basic Discipleship Training). I felt pressured to go at first, but then that pressure became a desire. I was reading my Bible and God kept calling me to go to BDT. I was ready. After the first day I was committed. I promised myself to quit at nothing. That week Satan was ready to sweep me off my feet. I got a text that my aunt had an accident and she wouldn’t make it through the night. I wanted to go home in the worst way. But I could not miss more than one week and I already had plans to miss a week. So I pushed through, depressed, but still kicking. I spent my break that week on the phone with my grandma and mom trying to figure things out.
That week my education soonjaung looked at me and said, “How are you?” It was the first time someone wanted to know how I was doing. I mean people had been asking all week, but he didn’t even talk about her (as much as I love her, I was struggling too). In that moment I just wanted to sit there and hug him! I don’t think people know what I mean unless they go through it. A few days later my aunt passed away. My parents wanted me to wait to come home, but I couldn’t do that. I remember being with family and getting a feeling that were ARE FAMILY. We DO have each other’s backs and we DO LOVE each other.
That week I decided that I’m going to BDT for knowledge. It then was not about Him anymore or growing in Him, but for knowledge. Anyone could go to BDT (Christians and non-Christians alike) and get knowledge. It takes a true disciple to actually go to grow in Him. I lost that. I could make 101 excuses (among which would be I was depressed, exhausted, etc.), but none of them measure up to our God. I strayed from Him, His Grace, and His Love. My burning desire to know Him and grow in Him was blown out by Satan’s desire to control my mind. If he got my mind, surely he would, eventually, get my heart. And, in time, my soul would be his. I rushed back after the funeral to go to BDT to get that knowledge. While I was there I shared how QT’s helped me through the time between the accident and her death (no one picked up on that they weren’t helping after and I was struggling). I did not want to go evangelize that week (required for the course). I knew my heart wasn’t ready so I sat down with a brother and played 20 questions with him about church and the importance of it. I was spitting question at him like crazy and he showed great humility (you know who you are…thank you). It felt good to get that off my chest, but I still wasn’t sure why I had to EV or why I was even doing BDT. I wasn’t gaining knowledge by reading the 4 Spiritual Laws to someone.
That week I evangelized for the first time. I saw God in a brother and I wanted that, but then that desire, again, faded quickly. I began making excuses again. That Friday I went to a missions rally. I was wondering how I even got there. How did I end up with KCCC…me, the whitest girl I know that literally knew only 5 Asians from K-12! Then I was like WHY?!?! Why am I here? I looked up front and there’s my brother with his hands lifted to the Lord and worshipping selflessly. I WANTED that! I prayed and prayed for that. Then half way through the week I told myself that would NEVER be me. I gave up on the fact.
Then, I decided I was done with BDT. Yes, done. I did all the work, but I was in it for the wrong reasons. The emotional roller coaster I was on (and may still be on) made it seem not worth it. I was in it for the wrong reasons and I did not then deserve what those who are in it for the right reasons got. I told my brother that I was done and I thought it was either a) foolish or b) mature. He looked at me and said he thought that I was in it for a reason.
That week during EVing I had someone PRC (pray to receive Christ), several people renew their faith, many people interested in learning about KCCC, and I had this intimate conversation with a Muslim girl. I have been overlooking all of that. Looking back, I realize that that week was important in my faith. Being able to pray with Kate (PRC) and see how much she desired God was rewarding. Seeing faith renewed, pushed me. And in having that conversation, I realized how much work we as Christians have to do.
My weekend plans got canceled and I had to go to BDT, then. I pushed through week 5 but with a heavy heart and negative attitude (that I hid pretty well). The week leading up to graduation (this past week) I didn’t sleep (literally) from Sunday to Thursday. I had a lot of work to do. I was exhausted (and still am). I got to graduation and I was going to leave at one point or after the fact I was going to hand everything back. Then we were praying and I was like, “God, I’m done. I cannot do this. I need a break.” I felt my heart break, but then I felt His heart break. He did not beg me to come back, but He just cried. I did not know what to do. Then, a group of girls from Julliard were playing “How He Loves Us.” I looked to Him and cried out, “Let’s try to work this out.” I literally felt Him rip my heart out of my chest and put a new one it. My heart was callused, hard, and broken. I was at this “what do I do now” moment. I got my diploma and then those there to support us circled all the BDTers and were praying. I was praying and I was in my own little world. I could not hear anything I was just talking to God. Then I asked what I was supposed to do and God so clearly said, “Listen.” I was like, “Yeah I know I’m listening to You. I asked You a question.” And He said, “No…listen.” I came out of my zone to hear the voices of brothers and sisters praying over all the BDTers…including me. People were praying for ME.
Yeah I’ve questioned church and the purpose of it and I have a strong opinion about the definition of a “church” and the Church. Something came back to me, then. I was not made to do this alone. Yes a relationship with God also includes Him, but also it includes others. What they do cannot do anything for your relationship; you must do that on your own. But, brothers and sisters can pray for you and be a support system. Why didn’t God just stop after Adam or Eve or Cain and Abel? Why not stop there? Why are there BILLIONS of people?
Then they said, “We’ve been praying for you for years. You are an answer to our prayers.” Me? An answer? Not a problem? Huh? Crazy girl says what? Literally I have heard that so many times the past 6 weeks. Newark KCCC brothers prayed for sisters and there were more female BDT graduates from Newark than male (mind you some of us go to NJIT) and people from other campuses went out of their way to tell us. I am an answer to a prayer for BDT. And the list goes one. How can I be an answer to a prayer when I cannot even get answers to my own prayers! But God…He’s a silly character. He uses me to answer someone else’s prayer to answer my own.
Through this journey I have been trying to figure out my spiritual gifts. I have been struggling with that concept and there were like 4 QT’s about them. I asked brothers and sisters about them and they kept saying to pray. I know they didn’t have the answers, but I was tired of praying and wanted answers. I kept asking God to reveal them to me. Well all through BDT people kept say, “Brittani, you are such an encouragement.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like to be nice—end of story. Then someone else would text me, “You encourage me.” Cool story bro. I was kind of sick of the word “encouragement.” But God would NOT let it go! Last night at graduation, EVERY person that signed my card said I was encouraging or something to that effect. I was like WHAT!?!?! Then God was like, “umm…hello?” I guess the answers were in my face the entire time! I guess my spiritual gift may be encouragement.
I think back to that moment when God ripped my heart out and gave me His last night. I said that I was not able to worship selflessly and that I could not measure up to Him and His expectations. I think back, then, to the moment at the missions rally –that want and that desire. That came back last night because now I have a new heart. This time was not like the rest. Before when I recommitted my life to Him it was me sitting for hours sobbing in His presence. This time, yes I cried, was more of an exchange. He traded my heart for His. The Four Spiritual Laws says it is not enough to have an emotional experience. It does not say that you cannot have one, but that’s not what it is about. Rather it is about faith. This time the intellectual and emotional experiences were not dominate, but the faith is what saved me.
Thank you all for reading and supporting my blog over the years. I did not realize how many actually read my blog until I looked at the statistics! You are incredible. Thank you to all who have been part of my life, and more specifically in my walk of faith. Thank you to the camp counselors, mentors, and soonjaungs who have never given up on me. Thank you to the brothers and sisters (near and far) for building me up and praying for me and over me. Thank you to my family who instilled this faith in me and who has been praying for me since before I was born. I wish words could describe my gratefulness and love for you ALL!
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